Let’s face it, if you’re in a long-term relationship, especially if you have children, being intimate is often one of the last things on the list. But making the health of your relationship a priority, which includes intimacy, is just as important as any aspect of overall wellness.
Recently, one of our readers wrote in:
“When I first met my husband, we got busy on a daily basis. All we had to do was glance at the other with ‘sex eyes’ and it was game-on. Our sex life was adventurous, mysterious, playful and passionate. Even after we got married, we enjoyed a healthy sex life.
Then our jobs became more demanding, responsibilities piled on, we had a baby… and then we had another.
We went from being intimate multiple times a week to allowing multiple weeks to go by. Our sex life was like the interaction between two ships passing in the night: non-existent. One of us was always putting the kids to bed, preoccupied with work, exhausted, had to be up early or just not in the mood. At the end of each day we would fall into bed promising tomorrow would be different… but it wasn’t.
Often on the days when one of us did initiate sex, the other wasn’t receptive and then the initiator felt rejected and hurt. Over time, this cycle has created some resentment in our relationship.
How can we build more intimacy into our relationship when it seems like all the odds are against us?”
Many of us can relate to this scenario. Life gets busy and our never-ending “to-do” list seems to get longer and longer. The good news is, there’s a simple solution!
Introducing - scheduled intimacy
You may be thinking, “Are we really to the point that THIS is what our sex life looks like… an appointment on a calendar?”
Movies, television shows and music lyrics have programmed us to believe that healthy relationships are filled with spontaneous, wild and passionate sex ALL. THE. TIME. But numerous studies have shown that such rigorous romp schedules are FAR from realistic and aren’t necessary to achieve a healthy relationship.
Believe it or not, scheduling and engaging in intimacy just ONE day a week can light up your brain’s pleasure centers, bring you and your partner much closer together, give you both something to be excited about and leave you wanting more. Even though it doesn’t sound very sexy, scheduling can lead to very sexy things!
Scheduling intimacy doesn't mean your relationship is failing.
There’s a stigma that scheduling intimacy means your relationship is doomed, there’s no desire anymore or that your sex life is boring. But that’s FAR from the truth.
Making the time for intimacy actually shows a dedication to the health of your overall relationship, similar to making diet or exercise a priority for your overall health. In fact, studies have shown that couples that regularly schedule sex often feel more closely connected and have a greater level of sexual satisfaction than those who don’t.
How to schedule intimacy (and not make it weird)
- Carve out time that works. Sit down together and look at your schedules. Think about when you’ll both feel most mentally and emotionally ready. From there, decide if you want to set a standard weekly sex date (such as every Saturday) or if it’s something you want to revisit each week.
- Think of the schedule as a baseline to make sure you both get what you need. Think minimum, rather than maximum. If your sex life has been as active as the eruption patterns of Mount Saint Helen, start by scheduling ONE day a week. This allows your needs to be met without a bunch of pressure being placed, plus some room for spur-of-the-moment horniness.
- Plan it out, whether it’s set in stone or loosely scheduled. Scheduling intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean you have to start stripping down on Saturday morning at 10 o’clock on the dot.
- Depending on you and your partners preferences, you may want to designate a specific time or agree to something slightly more flexible, such as a standing weekly date each Saturday morning between 8-10. If you decide on a “time window” style sex sesh, a 1–2-hour window tends to work best. Make sure that you both commit to making it happen naturally sometime during that timeframe.
- Actually put it on the calendar. We’ve written about this (a lot) when it comes to meal prep and fitness, and the same goes for sex. Whether you jot it down in your day planner, set an alarm on your phone or add it into your Outlook agenda, put it in writing – BOTH of you!
- Look at it as a way to set a mood. When intimacy is on your calendar, you can get your head in the game, which will prompt your body to follow. What we mean by this? It’s really difficult to be in the right headspace if you’re in the middle of responding to work emails and then abruptly try to switch gears.
- By scheduling intimacy, you have time to get yourself in the mood, “prime the pump” a little bit and allow the excitement to build up throughout the day.
- Flirt and send playful texts to your partner throughout the day, “I’m really excited about tonight.”
- Think about different ways to arouse your partner and set the mood (kissing their inner thigh, delicately running a feather across their body), sex positions you want to try or even a new toy you want to use.
- If it’s after the kids go to bed open a bottle of wine, light some candles and set the mood.
- Be flexible with what intimacy looks like. Intimacy doesn’t have to just be about penetrative sex. Make it about activities that make the two of you feel closely connected. Maybe that’s a make out sesh on the couch, some heavy petting or oral sex, or maybe it’s an intimate conversation that leads to more.
- Set aside time for foreplay. It’s a myth that the only way to enjoy sex is by waiting for that burning desire to strike. While you should never have sex when you don’t want to, for many people (women especially) the desire to have sex comes as a response to being “turned on.” Take your time and arouse one another so you’re BOTH able to respond with desire.
- Make your sexual communication ongoing. Healthy sexual communication allows you and your partner to truly understand one another’s desires, wants, needs and comfortability in regards to sex. Think of it as a roadmap to understanding one another’s mind and body, without shame. Plus, it allows you to continually discover and rediscover new ways to keep your sexual energy alive.
- Do your best to stick to the schedule. ‘Nuff said!
Now that you’ve got a plan in place
What about that awkward first time?
When that first “appointment” rolls around, it may feel a little awkward. You’ve (probably) never done this before and so, naturally, it may feel strange.
Go in with a flexible approach rather than high expectations of what the interaction should look like. Maybe that first time is just lying in bed together, talking about the vibe you want when being intimate, or maybe it’s kissing and talking about your fantasies. This will help you avoid feeling “obligated” to engage in sex because it’s planned.
Most of all, go in with the mindset that this is supposed to enhance the relationship you have with your partner, rather than it being the next item on the agenda or to-do list.
It may feel weird at first, but scheduled intimacy can be a wonderful step to truly having the sex life you both want.
Just like so many things in life, the more you make time for sex, the more you'll get out of it.
Whether it’s a Monday morning romp because you’re energized and want to “start your week off right,” a Wednesday evening roll in the hay in honor of “hump-day” or a Saturday morning sex sesh before the kids are awake, scheduling one day a week can reignite romance, allow you to reconnect and get your intimacy back on track.
Let’s schedule sex and have something sexy to think about and look forward to on an otherwise “average” day!
P.S. Share this article with your partner before stepping into scheduled sex so you’re both on the same page about what you want it to look like.
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